Tearing It Down Or Putting Up The Wall

Posted on Posted in The Calm RN

One thing I’ve learned about myself, and life, and human beings, is there will always be a “wall” to confront.

The Calm RNA  emotional/mindset “wall” challenges any action, decision, choice, or desire for personal change – or defeats it creating unfulfilled quests and possible regret in one’s life.

We all experience a “wall” at one time or another. You’re not always consciously aware that the wall is controlling your behavior, choices, or even holding you back from accomplishing what you want in life.

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The wall can protect you and hold you back, or it can challenge to move you forward – no matter how difficult, or emotionally painful it is, it’s there for you to figure out how to use it or ignore it. The wall is an opportunity in itself – to break through, or not …

For example….

I saw this episode of “Extreme Horders” (video below) and it was pretty horrifying to see how a family could live in a home full of garbage. Their home was PACKED with stuff – anything you could imagine, it was there. This married couple had a teenage son who, by no choice of his own, was subjected to these living conditions and affected by them as well.

The underlying reason for their hording behavior was the early death of another child, an infant, over 20 years ago and the mother specifically, never came to terms with their loss.

What’s interesting about this clip is that it shows how on an unconscious level the “wall” protected them from coming to terms emotionally to accept their child’s death. Their actions, piling up garbage bags in front of the baby’s picture, became a physical wall, mirroring the unconscious “wall” they were totally unaware of or refused to look at because it was so emotionally painful.

 Here’s what I know from my personal experience, If you turn your cheek to avoid what’s happening in your life, you’ll miss the opportunities of what could be.’..

This family in the video cleared out all the trash, which they needed an outsider to help them do. The mother and father were able to let go, and say good-bye to their baby through a symbolic burial.

Their living son was able to finally have a bedroom of his own and they were able to sit down at their kitchen table and have a family meal- for the first time after all the trash had been removed. Their lives changed for the better, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Emotional pain. No one wants to experience it. But when you do, when you make-up your mind to burst through any challenge, or “wall”, what follows can be sweeter than you ever imagined.

So, become aware of your behaviors. Why do you do the things you do. Be curious. Ask yourself questions and then decide if you believe it or not – if it’s really true.

Sometimes what we believe about ourselves is not true and formed from what others think about us. However, in cases of emotional pain, having an outsider helps and often offers an objective and helpful, perhaps even a healing perspective.

The other side of me, the Calm RN

Lesly Federici




PS. Let me know what you think! What “walls” have you overcome? How did it change you?

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25 thoughts on “Tearing It Down Or Putting Up The Wall

  1. Over the years I have broken down many walls. Still work to be done. Some walls were unnecessary and others were for protection that is no longer needed but turned into a habit. The hoarding story touched me. Thanks for this post provides a lot of insight Lesly.

  2. Hi Lesly

    You are so right. We build walls to hide from the pain but think about if we allow ourselves to experience such pain and move on, it can be relieving.

    Thanks for your awesome insight with your post. Take care

  3. Hi Donna,
    Yes, we have experienced things in our lives that we’ve had to deal with. It’s not pleasant, but if we can move through it as best we can, that’s a good thing.. wonderful to see you visiting … thank you 🙂

  4. Hello David,
    Wonderful to see you visiting! Like your analogy … and life is like that. It’s sad to see people stop in their tracks because of something that hurt so bad emotionally they couldn’t recover from it … For those that can “take on ” a wall meet the experience knowing they can get through it … this story though, a loss of a child is one I would never want to experience for sure. Does it make it okay to avoid dealing with it? Maybe not .. the woman in the video, 20 years later was able to to finally say good-bye… the power of emotions are something else, right?

  5. Hi Michale,
    How nice to see you! Thank you for visiting … so true what you say and many times it’s fear. Thankfully “fear: is being viewed differently, just like mistakes. They are experiences to learn and grow from. And, just like you said when you go ahead in spite of the fear you discover it wasn’t that bad. But some people have a real problem with “letting go” .. wonderful comment, thanks 🙂

  6. Hi Sonia,
    Yea, emotional pain can manifest in one’s life in surprising ways , and like you said – not even be aware of it. Glad you found the post useful and eyeopening.. always wonderful to see you visiting 🙂

  7. Hy Mandy,
    Yes, we all have them .. I’ve heard that question before .. I think for me I’s start chipping away at it to get through it .. it certainly is interesting … always great to see you visiting 🙂 Thank you

  8. There’s a great psych test that I often use with groups of people and one of the questions is you are walking through the desert and you come to a really high wall so long you can’t see the ends, what do you do? Very interesting responses from people, we all face walls in different ways, and we all overcome them in different ways too. I just climbed over mine when I first did the test and I guess I do just that every time I am faced with a wall. Brilliant and thought provoking post, thank you.

    Enjoy the journey!

  9. Hi Lesly!

    I have seen these ‘Hourding’ shows many times and had never seen what you have explained so well here. Many of the families on the show that I have watched did not even realise how bad their situation was getting ‘not seeing the clutter’ for example.
    You have opened my eyes to the reasons that people develop such self destructive behaviours and a deeper appreciation of the human mind at work.

  10. Hi Lesly,

    Many times, I run into this – “What we believe about ourselves is not true”.

    We have tendency to limit our capabilities. That is the worst wall I stumble across.

    When I start to doubt this self imposed wall, and take action, suddenly I find that the wall has gone farther away from me.

    The self imposed wall is like a mirage. We are capable of a lot more than we perceive of ourselves.


  11. Sometimes, Lesly, you don’t even have to go through the wall.

    Water descends a waterfall which is filled with rocks. These rocks are obstacles that the water just effortlessly flows around and continues changed, but resolute along its course.

    As you pointed out, walls can pose more of an emotional obstacle than a physical one, and that’s when we limit ourselves to making a choice between tearing down the wall or putting up yet another.

  12. Hi Lesly,

    I love the way you illustrated that “wall” we can have. If we notice any kind of repeated behavior that is negative in any way shape or form, it is a red flag for us to take notice. Our subconscious is a huge part of us. When we understand that, and are aware, we can knock down those walls.

    I can say this because I went through it myself.

    Great message here!


  13. Hi Lesly,
    I built many walls around me after some rough abuse situations in childhood. I also had some rough influences in certain areas of my life, leading to more wall-building. My blogging journey and frequent travels helped me bleed out negative emotions, leading to rage, sometimes, depression, others, grieving, sadness, despair and then, healing. As walls dissolve we tap into One-ness. I’m learning to dissolve through reaching out to God, connecting with The Creator, loving myself and loving others….and also, reaching imagined limits and blasting through them, to prove the walls are illusions 😉
    Lovely post.
    Thanks for sharing Lesly 🙂

  14. Great post Lesly. Yes, the subconscious can and does affect our behavior. This is such an amazing story of blocks or walls being toppled. I love this kind of human interest victory!

  15. Hello Graham,
    Welcome! Thank you for visiting .. I appreciate you taking the time to comment too.. walls are always there to confront, break though, or avoid … that’s life. It challenges us – the rest is up to us and how we choose to deal with it …

  16. Hi Lovely Chery,
    How are you … I saw this story play out on TV and it was quite memorable. I still recall it from time to time and sometimes stops me from falling into my own “abyss”. Emotional pain is powerful. Learning how to deal with it can be quite enlightening. It’s sad it took this woman 20 years to face her baby’s loss and move on with her life. We all have something we hang on to… best to acknowledge it and let go if possible … love you 🙂

  17. Hi Emi,
    Wonderful to see you! Thank you for visiting … yea, 20 years is a long time.. but other problems grew from having a house full of trash = embarrassment. Feelings come and go rapidly, like the wind. If you can catch the ones that tear you down before they mushroom .. it will be better. Some people though .. like to be miserable. There’s usually an underlying reason … so human nature is a mystery 🙂

  18. Hi Lydia,
    Always nice to see you visiting, thank you … emotional pain is powerful and can affect our behaviors without being aware of it.I think it’s always good to reach out for different perspectives from someone objective. Sometimes this is all one needs, But swirling around in one’s own mind and not reaching out for help – you stay in the pool of recycled thoughts… like this family, This video doesn’t show the whole story, but there was a comfortable and resolved ending of sorts. The trash was totally removed and allowed for a new beginning. I always think of this video clip … it’s a perfect example of emotional avoidance and what can happen when you think you’re safe avoiding something. Not realizing other problems start to happen because of the avoidance… The husband in this family had an affair with another woman because the wife, or one reason anyway, was unapproachable because of the loss of her baby …

  19. Hey, Lesly, despair runs deep. The mind protects us from things we are not ready to face. The problem is if we don’t reach out on our own for help we can be stuck for a long time like this family. I hit these walls often most times I can talk myself through them and sometimes I reach out for help. However, there are times when I am hit with the unknown and the fear can take me low. I usually experience the latter when I am worried about someone else’s health. Great post thank you for sharing.

  20. Hi Lesly,
    Yes, I’ll say 20 years are way too long to hold it back. Sometimes we let ourselves believe in things that will trip us and even push us back, it’s important to let go and keep it together. No wall should stop you, the faster you tear it the better. I have noticed for myself that it takes me 3 to 5 days tops and I am ready to jump right back on.
    Thank you for sharing!

  21. Hello Lesly! Wow that show always gets to me! Thanks fo helping me to understand more why some people live this way.

    You did an amazing job with this my friend.
    Thank YOU
    Chery :))

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