The Push Got Me To Now

When you grow up thinking you’re a worthless human being, your self-esteem drops into the toilet, flushes down into the streams flowing to the sea.. and who knows what will happen next. Because the soul is lost.

My soul was lost for years.

I dropped out of high school at 16, traveled some (Italy, Austria). When I was in Vienna, Austria I saw a cathedral that was still being repaired from WWII. I stood on cobble stoned streets that at one time, long ago, the Romans had marched on.

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I experienced an overwhelming, breathtaking since of history, what lives and experiences had gone before me. Yet there I stood amazed at life and the power of time.

That worldly experience pushed me to be a better person than I was at that time (or thought I was) and gave me hope in creating my own confident history. But I didn’t know where to begin.

When I returned home, to the USA, it wasn’t long after that I moved to Maine. I lived in a small town and everyone knew who everyone was. There was one stop light,bar,store, and gas station. Yet, there was a paper mill and about 15 miles away from town there was a shoe factory.

I worked at the shoe mill for several months sewing shoes. It was an intense job and competitive (who could sew the most in an hour). I worked on a “double needle” sewing machine and one day actually sewed my finger….. which led to the decision to leave that job.

I then got hired at the paper mill.  I worked on the conveyor belt and grabbed a bunch of hot (from the dryer) wooden Popsicle sticks as they rapidly moved past me, quickly packed them in a box, and grabbed the next handful.  If you’re familiar with “I Love Lucy” and the famous episode of Lucy and Ethel picking out chocolates on the conveyor belt – well that was me only it was Popsicle sticks…

The factory was so noisy I had to wear ear plugs. They were huge and you could see them poking out of your ears. I worked with 3 other women and we all had our places standing around the conveyor belt collecting the Popsicle sticks.  One day I looked at them, saw the ear plugs, looked around the factory and asked myself this:

“What am I doing here …?”

The “push” was experiencing jobs that were so mindless (for me) that forced me to think – is this all there is? Is this all I’m going to do in my life? The push was learning what I didn’t want in my life which opened new opportunities.

I moved back home and made the biggest push decision ever – to return to school. I received my GED, and enrolled in a two year community college. I  never wrote a book report, essay, or research paper before. So I had to take an English class 4 times because my writing and English skills were horrible. I took math classes 4 times until I passed. Eventually I graduated, transferred to a 4 year college, , graduated with college honors with a BA in Museum Studies and Art Education.

The “Push” of what you don’t want will always lead you to other experiences. The mistakes I’ve made along the way – and I don’t really think of them as mistakes.. just a learning journey to becoming a better person.

I opened this post with my soul being lost.. these experiences only helped to morph me into who I am now, more confident and accepting of life and what it brings – good and bad.

My, writing a lot about myself! Hope you enjoy it all. If you’d like to read some more awesome blogger posts .. check them out here …

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